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ONE MORE AND WE’D HAVE TOO MANY FOR A CURLING TEAM

March 14, 2017

Ashton Tiffany has been on a bit of a hiring jag lately: We’ve got four new hires to tell you about.

First is Helen Rinne. Phonetically, that’s pronounced “Helen Renny.” During her interview, we asked if she was now fronting, or if she had ever fronted, a Helen Reddy tribute band. Her cryptic response: “I know too much to go back and pretend.” We left that alone.

Helen’s favorite food is mole chicken. This is a problem. We at Ashton Tiffany believe that mixing chocolate and chicken is a culinary hate-crime, and have referred the matter to the Hague.

What else does Helen like? “Mockumentary”-style films, football, the Grateful Dead, and her husband.

If there’s a weakness in Helen’s game, it’s singing and dancing. We’re betting, though, that as our new legal nurse consultant, she won’t be able to contain her happy feet, and will want to harmonize with the birds that occasionally get trapped in our atrium. That’s what working here does for you.

Welcome, Helen:

Helen Rinne

Who’s up next? John Walter, our newest claims adjuster.

We’re normally suspicious of guys with two first names—it’s like they’re trying to get away with something—but we dug J-Dub right out of the chute.

One of his hobbies is woodworking, so we like to imagine him sitting on his front porch, rocking back and forth, toothpick in mouth, fashioning a wooden inbox for new claims, and saying folksy things like, “When the cold snap came through about two, three year ago…that’s when Mary Martin was taken by the consumption. Terrible thing, it was.”

That would be enough for us, but John/Walter is so much more than that. He likes golf, and bacon, and snowboarding, and Austin Powers. And get this: He’s never broken a bone. So yeah, we’ve already given him a nickname: Unbreakable. (As for you, Mr. Glass, your services are not required here. Good day, sir.)

Here now, we give you JW:

John Walter

Now, ask yourself this: What would it be like to work at the nerve center of a global risk management empire such as Ashton Tiffany? Most could scarcely imagine the pressure, let alone wave it off as if it were so many fruit flies hovering over a raspberry lambic. But that’s exactly how our new receptionist, Olivia Pfeil, handles her job:

Olivia Pfeil

You want to know what she’s made of? Once, she traveled to Africa by herself. Another time, she ate a cat—for real (only found out about it afterward…but then, God love her, she ordered another). This is the big one, though: She’s sticking by a team—the Green Bay Packers—that’s at the beginning of a years’ long downward slide from near relevance, to irrelevance, to disgrace, to oblivion. But she’ll be there every step of the way, because she’s a winter soldier. And that’s one of the many reasons we feel lucky to have her.

Finally, there’s Deborah Hurt. You know when you hear about someone doing a demanding job, and you think, “That’s impressive”? And then you hear about the guy or gal who trains the person to do that job, and you think, “Wow, that’s really impressive”?

That’s Deborah. She trains bus drivers for Ashton Tiffany, in our technologically sexy bus cockpit simulator. She’s been in “bus world” for 20 years, and she’s seen it all. Such as? A fearsome javelina attack on her 15-passenger van, during an otherwise low-risk field trip. A Blue Bird engine flame-out in 118-degree weather, with a massive haboob on the horizon. A K–8 food fight, involving the most feared edible weapon in school transportation: the caramel apple. Finally, a pot hole as big as Delaware, encountered at freeway speeds.

Despite these hazards, Deborah always gets her vehicle and her cargo home safely. For that, and for her decision to become one of us, we are grateful.

Deborah Hurt